1991 Grammy Awards: The Winners

Thursday, February 21, 1991

So, did you catch the 33rd Grammy Awards last night? Like all award shows, it went on too long. They could have shortened the program to two hours if they could have stopped Garry Shandling from laughing at his own jokes.

The following is a partial list of the Grammy winners. Excuse the crap out of me if I didn’t post the winners for categories like Best Chamber Orchestra Performance with Xylophone Solo or Best Reggae-Polka Instrumental Collaboration. I’ve posted comments about some of the winners…but not all of them because I didn’t want to. So there.

• Album of the Year
  Back on the Block
  Artist: Quincy Jones
  Producer: Quincy Jones
  Everyone is on this album…Ray Charles, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughan, Ella Fitzgerald, Chaka-Chaka-Chaka Khan, and more. They did all the singing, but Quincy Jones wins the award. Quincy Jones is famous for assembling the most talented names in the business and getting them to check their egos at the door. I’m going to find out how he does it and win this award next year. 

• Record of the Year
  The anthemic and synthesizer-heavy “Another Day in Paradise”
  Artist: Phil Collins
  Producers: Phil Collins & Hugh Padgham
  Like I said before, there’s nothing like a multimillionaire who writes and records a song about homelessness. I wish I could have been outside Radio City Music Hall when the stars arrived. I would have dressed up like a stereotypical homeless person and as Phil Collins walked by on the red carpet, I wold have said, “Sir, can you help me?” just to see if he would practice what he preaches. 

• Song of the Year
  The anthemic “From a Distance”
  Songwriter: Julie Gold
  We’ll be hearing this song on elevators for the next 20 years. 

• Best New Artist
  Mariah Carey
  The best thing about Pariah Carey winning this award is that she now has the Best New Artist curse. Yeah, the winner of the Grammy for Best New Artist always releases a follow-up album that flops and we never hear from him, her, or them again.  So Pariah Carey, you’re career is officially over. See you later…uh…on second thought…no we won’t. 

• Best Pop Vocal Performance – Female
  Pariah Carey for “Vision of Love” 

• Best Pop Vocal Performance – Male
  The late Roy Orbison for “Oh, Pretty Woman”
  Didn’t I tell you that people with titles like “Sir,” “Dame,” or “The Late” always win awards? 

• Best Pop Performance by Duo or Group with Vocal
  Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville for “All My Life”
  The second year in a row they won this award. What did I tell you? The voters love Linda and they’re afraid of Aaron. Their win was guaranteed. 

• Best Pop Instrumental Performance
  Angelo Badalamenti for “Twin Peaks Theme”
  This was a very competitive category. Instrumental music completely dominates top-40 airplay. NOT! 

• Best Rock Vocal Performance – Female
  Alannah Myles for “Black Velvet”
  Great performance by a newcomer who beat out rock veterans in this category. 

• Best Rock Vocal Performance – Male
  Eric Clapton for “Bad Love” 

• Best Rock Performance by Duo or Group with Vocal
  Aerosmith for “Janie’s Got a Gun” 

• Best Rock Instrumental Performance
  Vaughan Brothers for “D/WF” 

• Best Hard Rock Performance
  Living Color for Time’s Up
  This group is destined to be around for a long time! 

• Best Matal Performance
  Metallica for “Stone Cold Crazy”
  And Jethro Tull wasn’t even nominated! 

• Best Alternative Music Performance
  Sinéad O’Connor for I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got
  Sinéad O’Connor refused to attend the awards ceremony for one righteous reason or another. That reminds me, the Righteous Brothers didn’t win Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal. Anywaze…I’m going to sue Sinéad O’Connor for stealing my idea. The title of the album I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got is a ripoff of an album I was working on that was going to be titled I Do Not Like Any of the Things I Have.
• Best Traditional Blues Recording
  B.B. King for Live at San Quentin
  Doesn’t he win this award every year? 

• Best Contemporary Blues Recording
  Jimmie Vaughan & Stevie Ray Vaughan for Family Style 

• Best Country Vocal Performance – Female
  Kathy Mattea for “Where’ve You Been”
  Love her. 

• Best Country Vocal Performance – Male
  Vince Gill for “When I Call Your Name”
  Call me crazy, but I think he and Amy Grant are having an affair. 

• Best Country Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal
  The Kentucky Headhunters for Pickin’ on Nashville 

• Best Country Vocal Collaboration
  Chet Atkins & Mark Knopfler for “Poor Boy Blues” 

• Best Country Instrumental Performance
  Chet Atkins & Mark Knopfler for “So Soft, Your Goodbye” 

• Best Country Song
  “Where You Been”
  Songwriters: Don Henry & Jon Vezner 

• Best Bluegrass Recording
  Alison Krauss for I’ve Got That Old Feeling 

• Best R&B Vocal Performance – Female
  Anita Baker for Compositions
  She’s an alto Pariah Carey and she moves around funny when she sings. If she and Joe Cocker would ever record a song together, they’d bump into each other throughout the session and walk out of the studio with bruises all over themselves.

• Best R&B Vocal Performance – Male
  Luther Vandross for “Here and Now”
  So cool! 

• Best R&B Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal
  Ray Charles & Chaka Khan for “I’ll Be Good to You”
  This song is from the Quincy Jones album, Back on the Block. So how can someone other than Quincy Jones receive an award for a recording that’s on Quincy Jones’ album? And how can Ray Charles and Chaka-Chaka-Chaka Khan not be included along with Quincy Jones as winners of Album of the Year? Quincy Jones, you’ve effed up the universe! 

• Best Rhythm & Blues Song
  “U Can’t Touch This”
  Songwriters: M.C. Hammer, Rick James & Alonzo Miller
  M.C. Hammer had to give Rick James credit for co-writing this song since Hammer stole…uh…I mean…sampled, James’ “Super Freak.” 

• Best Rap Solo Performance
  M.C. Hammer for “U Can’t Touch This”

• Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group
  Big Daddy Kane, Ice T, Kool Moe Dee, Melle Mel, Quincy D. III & Quincy Jones for “Back on the Block”
  Oh, so now Quincy Jones is credited for a song from his own album. Quincy Jones is a rap artist. Really?

So there you have it. What’s your opinion on the winners? Tomorrow morning, I’m going to assemble an array of legendary performers to record my album, I Do Not Like Any of the Things I Have.