George H.W. Bush Will Win Reelection in a Landslide

Thursday, January 31, 1991

My fiancée’s brother came over today to collect the money I owed him from the bet I lost to him. I predicted that the Buffalo Bills would defeat the New York Giants by a field goal in Super Bowl XXV. I don’t like my fiancée, but I really like her brother.

But I want to write about something more important than that. An article that appears in today’s Washington Post is reporting that Republican lawmakers are praising Pres. George H.W. Bush’s State of the Union address “for its emphasis on events in the Persian Gulf.” Still, a lot of Republicans still have their doubts about Bush because he went along with the Democrats last year and agreed to raise taxes in spite of his famous “read my lips” comment at the 1988 Republican Convention.

No conservative likes a tax hike, but they’re overreacting if they fear this will hurt him in November 1992. With just a year and nine months to go, it’s not too early to predict that Bush will easily win a second term.  Can the Democrats even find anyone who could come close to beating Bush? Seriously, who are they going to pick, the governor of Arkansas? I don’t think so.

Operation Desert Storm is going so well and this makes Bush look very heroic. He’ll even look more heroic when our troops march into Baghdad and overthrow Sodomy Hussein. I hear that Iraqi troops are either running from our troops or surrendering at the sight of them. I have a great idea for a bumper sticker. On it will be an American flag and the words, “These colors don’t run.” Remember, if anyone steals this idea, you read about it here first.

On top of this, the economy is improving. The Associated Press is reporting that the “chief economic forecasting gauge inched up 0.1 percent in December, its first gain in six months.” The Washington Post is reporting that “optimism over the progress of war in the Persian Gulf and hopes that the recession will end soon catapulted blue-chip stocks” and that “the Dow Jones industrial average closed up 50.50 points, or 1.9 percent, to 2713.12, its highest level since Aug. 15.” So, get ready for a second Bush term.

But Bush needs to take action to decrease unemployment. He’s busy now, but early next year, maybe he and some American business executives could go over to Japan and try to sell them on American imports. Now that’s a trip that would go over extremely well.

MC Hammer vs Vanilla Ice

Friday, January 25, 1991

Who do you think the best rapper is, MC Hammer or Vanilla Ice?  It’s hard to say, but a closer look at the statistics might help us draw some conclusions.

In the current issue of Billboard, Vanilla Ice’s To the Extreme is holding down the #1 position on the album chart, thanks to the former #1 smash hit “Ice Ice Baby” and it’s follow up, “Play that Funky Music,” which is currently #7 on the Billboard Hot 100.  So much for those who said Vanilla Ice was going to be a one-hit wonder.  Hell, this guy is just getting started.  We are going to see a lot more from Vanilla Ice.  Trust me on this.

MC Hammer’s album, Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em, is loaded with hit singles.  It stayed at #1 for 21 weeks, has been on the charts for almost a year, and is still #4 on the Billboard album charts.

Oh, but stats can’t tell us the entire story.

I think that MC Hammer’s squeaky-clean image may appeal to small kids, but as they get older, they’ll want something a little raunchy.  That’s when they’ll turn to Vanilla Ice, who is from the streets.  Yeah, the Ice man is definitely edgier than Hammer.  And everyone knows we’ll never see another white rap artist who will ever equal the success of Vanilla Ice.

But, Hammer and Ice’s biggest rivals may not be each other, and their greatest competition may not even be rap artists.  With Will to Power at #9 and climbing with the remake of the 10cc hit, “I’m Not in Love” and Nelson at #8 with “After the Rain,” MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice need to keep looking over their shoulders.

George Michael Is Such a Ladies’ Man

Wednesday, January 23, 1991

It’s apparent now that George Michael’s recent album, Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1, will not match the success he had with his first solo album, Faith, not that anyone expected it to.  After all, Faith peaked at #1, went multi-platinum, and produced five 10-ten hits, four of which went to #1.  Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1 peaked at #2, and has only produced one #1 hit.  The second single from the album, “Freedom,” peaked at #8 and is currently falling down the charts.  Still, that’s good enough for any album.  I know that a lot of people think George Michael is nothing without Andrew Ridgeley, but like the album’s title suggests, we should listen without prejudice.

Maybe one of the reasons Mr. Michael’s recent album isn’t doing as well as Faith is because he has chosen not to use his sex appeal as a marketing tool this time around.  The video to “Freedom” mostly featured fashion models with Michael seen in short segments throughout.  That’s a sharp contrast to the video of “Faith” that gave us several closeups of his butt, proudly displayed in tight denim.  The new George Michael is going for a more grown-up, sophisticated image.

But George Michael isn’t fooling anyone.  I’m sure he’s still the ladies’ man he always was.  When he goes on the road, he probably sleeps with a different woman every night.  I keep hearing about all these women he has rejected.  Hell, he has them lined up.  He doesn’t have time to sleep with all of them.  So of course he’s going to reject some women.

I have to laugh when I hear rumors that George Michael is gay.  That’s just something that jealous guys tell their girlfriends.  Their girlfriends squeal, “Oh, I love George Michael!  He’s so sexy!”  And their boyfriends say, “I heard he was gay.  He doesn’t have a steady girlfriend.”  Well, duh.  If you were George Michael you wouldn’t have a steady girlfriend either.

Iraqi Troops Are in Kuwait and My Fiancée Wants to See Silence of the Lambs

Tuesday, January 15, 1991

Operation Desert Shield is in full force and I’m very worried.  It looks like Sodom Hussein (or however you spell his name) isn’t going to abide by President George H. W. Bush’s  deadline to withdraw his troops from Kuwait by midnight tonight.  I hope we don’t go to war, but if we do, at least we’ll overthrow the Iraqi government and we won’t have to worry about Sodomy Hussein anymore.  Bush will be seen as a hero and his reelection will be guaranteed.

I hear that the U. S. Post Office wants to raise the price of postage to 29 cents.  Damn, can mailing a letter get more expensive?  I wish there were a faster, cheaper way to send mail.

My fiancée wants me to take her to a movie that opened last night called Silence of the Lambs.  Great, I’ll have to sit through another chick flick.  With a name like Silence of the Lambs, it’s probably like Little House on the Prairie for the big screen, with a love story subplot added to draw adults to it, also.  We’re going to see it tonight.  I’m taking my pillow because it will probably put me to sleep.  I don’t like my fiancée.  I’d rather take my six-year-old niece to see Silence of the Lambs.  Kids her age would probably appreciate that kind of a movie.

I’d rather see Nothing But Trouble, which opens today.  Dan Aykroyd is in it, and he also co-wrote it, so I’m sure it’s brilliant.  It features an all-star cast that includes Chevy Chase, John Candy, and Demi More.  I’m sure Nothing But Trouble will receive nothing but laughs and critical praise.

Return to the Blue Lagoon, Showdown in Little Tokyo, and Dick Cheney

Wednesday, January 9, 1991

I’m very disappointed.  My finacée and I went to the movie theater last night to watch Return to the Blue Lagoon, but they had already stopped showing it.  It opened on New Years Day and I can’t believe they’ve already stopped running it.  That doesn’t make any sense.  The first Blue Lagoon movie was such a huge hit and I could have sworn that the sequel would have been even more successful.  I didn’t read any of the reviews, but I’m sure they were sensational.  My finacée threw a big fit, so we saw saw Showdown in Little Tokyo instead.  I don’t like my finacée.  I predict that Dolph Lundgren will get an Oscar nomination for his role in the movie.

I got a call this morning from a friend of mine who works for McDonnell Douglas and he’s worried that he and many others will lose their jobs because of the Secretary of Defense, Dick Cheney, terminated their defense contracts.  Apparently, no one in Cheney’s family or in Pres. George H. W. Bush’s family work for McDonnell Douglas.  I understand Cheney has some connections with Halliburton.  Too bad they don’t make planes.  Oh well, maybe Cheney will have a chance to use his connections with Halliburton in the future.

Who Is This Annoying Celine Dion Chick?

Tuesday, January 8, 1991

I was so glad to see 1990 come to an end, mostly because the music was so bad.  I was hoping that 1991 would be a better year for music, but now I’m not so sure.

Here in Gooseberry, all the radio stations are playing this stupid new song called “Where Does My Heart Beat Now.”  I can’t escape it!  They play it on the top 40 stations, the adult contemporary stations, even those boring stations that only dentist offices listen to.  As if the thought of going to the dentist wasn’t painful enough!

The song was recorded by newcomer and future one-hit wonder, Celine Dion…or Seline Dionne…or Saline Dijon…or however you spell her name.  Obviously, she’s one of those singers who ends every line of a song with an exclamation point.  Earth to Saline: You’re not supposed to sing every line as if you’re trying to send out a warning!  “Warning! Warning! Overly dramatic singer about to perform her first and last hit.”  A voice like that could sink a ship.  If they ever make a movie about the Titanic, they should get her to sing the theme song.  Then again, if she did, people would refuse to go see the movie just to avoid listening to her.

I bet she has a short career as a recording artist.  I don’t know where her heart beats now, but in a few years, she’ll be performing in Las Vegas, opening for other has-beens in small, run-down lounges off the main strip.  Mark my words.