Countdown to the 1991 Grammy Awards, Part 4: Nominees for Best Pop Vocal Performance – Male

Monday, February 18, 1991

We’re just two days away from the 33rd Grammy Awards.  Today, we’ll take a look at the nominees for Best Pop Vocal Performance by a Male.

• Michael Bolton for “Georgia on My Mind”
  About two years ago, I wrote Michael Bolton a fan letter and I begged him to record “Georgia on my Mind.” NOT! This single peaked at #36 on the Billboard Hot 100, but the Grammy bigwigs said, “Let’s give this song a nomination anyway. We’ll prove that the Grammy Awards are for recording excellence and not for commercial success.” Hey, I thought they proved that with the classical music categories. Earth to Grammies: The single peaked at #36 because the the only people who wanted to hear Michael Boredom wreck a classic song like “Georgia on My Mind” were Michael Boredom fans. I heard a rumor that Michael Boredom will perform at the Grammies with his pal, Kenny G. Wouldn’t that be like eating aged cheese while taking an MAO inhibitor? Kenny G. is a sleeping pill set to music. If you look on the back of a Kenny G. album, you’ll find a warning that says, “Do not listen to this recording if you are driving a car or operating machinery.” Kenny G. and Michael Boredom would make duet partners because Michael’s nails-on-a-chalkboard voice would keep people awake long enough to sit through Kenny G.’s elevator music. Guess who I hope doesn’t win.

• Phil Collins for the anthemic and synthesizer-heavy “Another Day in Paradise”
  Like I said in a previous entry, I love it when multimillionaires write and record songs about poverty. The lyrics say, “Oh, think twice, it’s another day for you and me in paradise.” Think twice? I don’t even want to listen to this song twice! Phil Collins has enough money to house every homeless person in the world. The only thing that saves this song is David Crosby’s harmony vocals. But what will David Crosby get if this song wins? Michael Bolton’s attention. Crosby, if Boredom tries to corner you after the show and asks you to sing harmony on his next album, just say, “Excuse me. I have to go talk to Melissa Etheridge. I need to giver her a sample of something.”

• James Ingram for “I Don’t Have the Heart”
  James Ingram has a great voice, but this song is eye-rolling material. It’s about this guy who is in a relationship with a woman who is in love with him, but he isn’t in love with her. Yet, he doesn’t want to break her heart. He doesn’t have the heart to love her, but he doesn’t have the heart to hurt her. He needs to go to a Codependents Anonymous meeting. Hey, it’s 1991 and being in a 12-step program is the latest craze. You might even see Pariah Carey at the meeting.

• Billy Joel for Storm Front
  Now wait a minute. All the other guys in this category are nominated for their vocal performances on singles. Oh, but Mr. I’m-So-Special Billy Joel is nominated in this category for the entire album. How does that happen? Can’t “We Didn’t Start the Fire” or “I Go to Extremes” stand alone as a single vocal performance? This must really blow for the folks who have to vote in this category. Not only do they have to listen to Michael Boredom butcher “Georgia on My Mind.” And not only do they have to listen to multimillionaire Phil Collins shame the middle-class into helping the homeless. They also have to sit through an entire Billy Joel album as if they have nothing else to do all day. But I’m sure his attitude is, “I’m Billy Joel. I’m the piano man. I’m special. I write such great songs with profound lyrics such as, ‘And the microphone smells like a beer.'”

• The late Roy Orbison for “(Oh) Pretty Woman”
  Once again, I have to ask, “How does this happen?” After all, “Oh Pretty Woman” was released in 1964, and back then, there weren’t even any parentheses around “Oh.” Why the parentheses (all of a sudden)? Secondly, Roy Orbison died in 1988. Don’t you remember that Traveling Wilburys video? You know, when it came time for the late Roy Orbison’s solo, the train went into a dark tunnel and the camera focused on an empty rocking chair next to a table with the late Roy Orbison’s picture on it? How can he be nominated for a 1991 Grammy considering the fact that he died in 1998? Well, prior to the not-yet-late Roy Orbison’s death, Cinemax broadcast a television special called Roy Orbison and Friends: A Black and White Night. The entire live concert was filmed in black and white. I’d like to know how they came up with the title. They also released an album of music from the special. So, the late Roy Orbison is nominated for a live recording of “(Oh) Pretty Woman” from the Black and White Night album. Is that fair? Let’s say that I wrote and recorded a song that earned me two Grammies…one for Best Pop Vocal Performance by a Male and the other for Song of the Year. If I recorded and released a new live version of that same song every year, could I earn the same awards every year for the same songs? One year, I would put parentheses around the first word of the title. The next year, I’d put parentheses around the last word of the title. The year after that, I’d put parentheses around the entire title of the song. Life would be awfully sweet if I could win Grammies every year for the same song. 

• Rod Stewart for “Downtown Train”
  Don’t ask me why there are six nominations in this category and only five nominations in all the other categories. I can’t tell you much about this song because every time it comes on the radio, I change stations.

Who will win? If Phil Collins doesn’t win, the academy will be dissing homeless people. If the late Roy Orbision doesn’t win, they’ll be dissing a dead man. Generally speaking, entertainment awards are more likely to go to people who have titles before their names…titles like “Sir” or “Dame” or “The Late.” And when dead people win awards, the audience gives them standing ovations for some reason. So, my pick for Best Pop Vocal Performance by a Male goes to…