1991 Grammy Awards: The Winners

Thursday, February 21, 1991

So, did you catch the 33rd Grammy Awards last night? Like all award shows, it went on too long. They could have shortened the program to two hours if they could have stopped Garry Shandling from laughing at his own jokes.

The following is a partial list of the Grammy winners. Excuse the crap out of me if I didn’t post the winners for categories like Best Chamber Orchestra Performance with Xylophone Solo or Best Reggae-Polka Instrumental Collaboration. I’ve posted comments about some of the winners…but not all of them because I didn’t want to. So there.

• Album of the Year
  Back on the Block
  Artist: Quincy Jones
  Producer: Quincy Jones
  Everyone is on this album…Ray Charles, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughan, Ella Fitzgerald, Chaka-Chaka-Chaka Khan, and more. They did all the singing, but Quincy Jones wins the award. Quincy Jones is famous for assembling the most talented names in the business and getting them to check their egos at the door. I’m going to find out how he does it and win this award next year. 

• Record of the Year
  The anthemic and synthesizer-heavy “Another Day in Paradise”
  Artist: Phil Collins
  Producers: Phil Collins & Hugh Padgham
  Like I said before, there’s nothing like a multimillionaire who writes and records a song about homelessness. I wish I could have been outside Radio City Music Hall when the stars arrived. I would have dressed up like a stereotypical homeless person and as Phil Collins walked by on the red carpet, I wold have said, “Sir, can you help me?” just to see if he would practice what he preaches. 

• Song of the Year
  The anthemic “From a Distance”
  Songwriter: Julie Gold
  We’ll be hearing this song on elevators for the next 20 years. 

• Best New Artist
  Mariah Carey
  The best thing about Pariah Carey winning this award is that she now has the Best New Artist curse. Yeah, the winner of the Grammy for Best New Artist always releases a follow-up album that flops and we never hear from him, her, or them again.  So Pariah Carey, you’re career is officially over. See you later…uh…on second thought…no we won’t. 

• Best Pop Vocal Performance – Female
  Pariah Carey for “Vision of Love” 

• Best Pop Vocal Performance – Male
  The late Roy Orbison for “Oh, Pretty Woman”
  Didn’t I tell you that people with titles like “Sir,” “Dame,” or “The Late” always win awards? 

• Best Pop Performance by Duo or Group with Vocal
  Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville for “All My Life”
  The second year in a row they won this award. What did I tell you? The voters love Linda and they’re afraid of Aaron. Their win was guaranteed. 

• Best Pop Instrumental Performance
  Angelo Badalamenti for “Twin Peaks Theme”
  This was a very competitive category. Instrumental music completely dominates top-40 airplay. NOT! 

• Best Rock Vocal Performance – Female
  Alannah Myles for “Black Velvet”
  Great performance by a newcomer who beat out rock veterans in this category. 

• Best Rock Vocal Performance – Male
  Eric Clapton for “Bad Love” 

• Best Rock Performance by Duo or Group with Vocal
  Aerosmith for “Janie’s Got a Gun” 

• Best Rock Instrumental Performance
  Vaughan Brothers for “D/WF” 

• Best Hard Rock Performance
  Living Color for Time’s Up
  This group is destined to be around for a long time! 

• Best Matal Performance
  Metallica for “Stone Cold Crazy”
  And Jethro Tull wasn’t even nominated! 

• Best Alternative Music Performance
  Sinéad O’Connor for I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got
  Sinéad O’Connor refused to attend the awards ceremony for one righteous reason or another. That reminds me, the Righteous Brothers didn’t win Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal. Anywaze…I’m going to sue Sinéad O’Connor for stealing my idea. The title of the album I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got is a ripoff of an album I was working on that was going to be titled I Do Not Like Any of the Things I Have.
• Best Traditional Blues Recording
  B.B. King for Live at San Quentin
  Doesn’t he win this award every year? 

• Best Contemporary Blues Recording
  Jimmie Vaughan & Stevie Ray Vaughan for Family Style 

• Best Country Vocal Performance – Female
  Kathy Mattea for “Where’ve You Been”
  Love her. 

• Best Country Vocal Performance – Male
  Vince Gill for “When I Call Your Name”
  Call me crazy, but I think he and Amy Grant are having an affair. 

• Best Country Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal
  The Kentucky Headhunters for Pickin’ on Nashville 

• Best Country Vocal Collaboration
  Chet Atkins & Mark Knopfler for “Poor Boy Blues” 

• Best Country Instrumental Performance
  Chet Atkins & Mark Knopfler for “So Soft, Your Goodbye” 

• Best Country Song
  “Where You Been”
  Songwriters: Don Henry & Jon Vezner 

• Best Bluegrass Recording
  Alison Krauss for I’ve Got That Old Feeling 

• Best R&B Vocal Performance – Female
  Anita Baker for Compositions
  She’s an alto Pariah Carey and she moves around funny when she sings. If she and Joe Cocker would ever record a song together, they’d bump into each other throughout the session and walk out of the studio with bruises all over themselves.

• Best R&B Vocal Performance – Male
  Luther Vandross for “Here and Now”
  So cool! 

• Best R&B Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal
  Ray Charles & Chaka Khan for “I’ll Be Good to You”
  This song is from the Quincy Jones album, Back on the Block. So how can someone other than Quincy Jones receive an award for a recording that’s on Quincy Jones’ album? And how can Ray Charles and Chaka-Chaka-Chaka Khan not be included along with Quincy Jones as winners of Album of the Year? Quincy Jones, you’ve effed up the universe! 

• Best Rhythm & Blues Song
  “U Can’t Touch This”
  Songwriters: M.C. Hammer, Rick James & Alonzo Miller
  M.C. Hammer had to give Rick James credit for co-writing this song since Hammer stole…uh…I mean…sampled, James’ “Super Freak.” 

• Best Rap Solo Performance
  M.C. Hammer for “U Can’t Touch This”

• Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group
  Big Daddy Kane, Ice T, Kool Moe Dee, Melle Mel, Quincy D. III & Quincy Jones for “Back on the Block”
  Oh, so now Quincy Jones is credited for a song from his own album. Quincy Jones is a rap artist. Really?

So there you have it. What’s your opinion on the winners? Tomorrow morning, I’m going to assemble an array of legendary performers to record my album, I Do Not Like Any of the Things I Have.

Countdown to the 1991 Grammy Awards, Part 5: Best Pop Vocal Performance – Duo or Group

Tuesday, February 19, 1991

On this Grammy Eve, our attention turns to the nominees for Best Pop Vocal Performance by a Duo or Group. Now when this award is handed out, does each member of the group get a trophy or do they all have to share one trophy? If they have to share one trophy, how do they share it? Where do they keep it? Do they take turns keeping it? Can you imagine the fights this can crate with a group?

“Hey Lindsey. It’s my turn to keep the Grammy this month. I’m coming over to get it.”

“I don’t have it, Stevie. Christine has it.”

“I already called her and she said you had it.”

“But I don’t have it, Stevie. I got it from Mick two months ago and then I gave it to John, who recently gave it over to Christine.”

“Lindsey, that’s impossible. John and Christine aren’t speaking.”

“Why not?”

“They got into a huge argument over who misplaced the American Music Award.”

Anywaze…the nominees for Best Pop Vocal Performance by a Duo or Group are:

• The B-52’s for “Roam”
  I’ve always loved the B-52’s. Some of their older fans didn’t like the more-polished, radio-friendly sound of their latest album, Cosmic Thing, but I say they deserve to make some money. They were nominated last year in this same category for “Love Shack,” which I call “The Atlanta Highway Song,” but they were beat out by Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville. They’re up against Linda and Aaron again, so I hope there isn’t any bad blood between them. I think Aaron Neville can beat up both the guys in the B-52’s in a two-against-one fistfight. Fred Schneider doesn’t even sing on “Roam,” which I call “The Dirty and Dusty Trails Song.” So, what’s going to happen if they win? Will the rest of the band accept their awards while Fred remains in the audience?
  
  
• Heart for “All I Want to Do Is Make Love to You”
  Not only does this win the award for longest song title, but it also wins the award for the most complicated plot of a pop song. You know what the song is about. This young woman picks up a male hitchhiker in the rain. Okay, let’s stop there for a second. That, in and of itself, should require the song and the video to come with a disclaimer. “Kids, don’t pick up hitchhikers!” And then, she drives him to a hotel…another bright idea. It was a place she knew well. So, does this tramp go out driving every time it rains in search of young men hitchhiking just so she can take them to the same hotel and have unprotected sex with them?  Anywaze…they made magic that night. He did everything right. Then, when he woke up the next morning, he saw that she had left him stranded at the hotel. Oh, but she did leave him a note telling him that they walked through a garden and planted a tree. And then one day, they ran into each other and he saw his own eyes. Yeah, they conceived that night. She pleaded with him to understand. She explained that she was in love with another man and what he (the man she loves) couldn’t give her was the one thing he (the one-night-stand guy) could. So the moral of the story is: If you’re a woman who wants to have a child, and if the man you love cannot be your partner in reproduction, and if you’re dead-set against adopting a child, and if you therefore want to seduce a man in order to use him as a sperm donor without his consent, then go out of town to do it. Otherwise, you run the risk of eventually crossing paths with him while you have his baby in your arms.

• Bruce Hornsby & the Range for “Across the River”
  I can’t tell you much about this song because I change the station every time it comes on the radio. Call me narrow-minded, but I don’t want to listen to artists who have piano solos in every single one of their songs. Billy Joel doesn’t even do that and he’s the piano man!

• Righteous Brothers for “Unchained Melody”
  You ask, “How could this recording receive a Grammy nomination now? I know it was used in the soundtrack to the motion picture Ghost, but it was originally released as a single in 1965. Doesn’t anyone respect rules anymore?” Oh, but when this song recently became popular again, they rerecorded the song. Even though the original version of the song got most of the airplay, it is the newer recording of the song that got the Grammy nomination. Thanks a lot, Righteous Brothers. My fiancée wants this to be the first song we dance to at our wedding reception. I don’t like my fiancée. And I don’t like this song, either. 

• Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville for “All My Life”
  Like I said previously, Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville won this same award last year. You don’t realize how small those Grammy Award trophies are until you see Aaron Neville holding one.  Everybody loves Linda, or at least they should. And most Grammy voters are too afraid of Aaron Neville not to vote for him, so they should win…again.

But, if Linda and Aaron don’t win, I hope the B-52’s take home this award. I just hope they don’t fight over who takes it home. Here they are with the “Dirty and Dusty Trails Song.”

Countdown to the 1991 Grammy Awards, Part 4: Nominees for Best Pop Vocal Performance – Male

Monday, February 18, 1991

We’re just two days away from the 33rd Grammy Awards.  Today, we’ll take a look at the nominees for Best Pop Vocal Performance by a Male.

• Michael Bolton for “Georgia on My Mind”
  About two years ago, I wrote Michael Bolton a fan letter and I begged him to record “Georgia on my Mind.” NOT! This single peaked at #36 on the Billboard Hot 100, but the Grammy bigwigs said, “Let’s give this song a nomination anyway. We’ll prove that the Grammy Awards are for recording excellence and not for commercial success.” Hey, I thought they proved that with the classical music categories. Earth to Grammies: The single peaked at #36 because the the only people who wanted to hear Michael Boredom wreck a classic song like “Georgia on My Mind” were Michael Boredom fans. I heard a rumor that Michael Boredom will perform at the Grammies with his pal, Kenny G. Wouldn’t that be like eating aged cheese while taking an MAO inhibitor? Kenny G. is a sleeping pill set to music. If you look on the back of a Kenny G. album, you’ll find a warning that says, “Do not listen to this recording if you are driving a car or operating machinery.” Kenny G. and Michael Boredom would make duet partners because Michael’s nails-on-a-chalkboard voice would keep people awake long enough to sit through Kenny G.’s elevator music. Guess who I hope doesn’t win.

• Phil Collins for the anthemic and synthesizer-heavy “Another Day in Paradise”
  Like I said in a previous entry, I love it when multimillionaires write and record songs about poverty. The lyrics say, “Oh, think twice, it’s another day for you and me in paradise.” Think twice? I don’t even want to listen to this song twice! Phil Collins has enough money to house every homeless person in the world. The only thing that saves this song is David Crosby’s harmony vocals. But what will David Crosby get if this song wins? Michael Bolton’s attention. Crosby, if Boredom tries to corner you after the show and asks you to sing harmony on his next album, just say, “Excuse me. I have to go talk to Melissa Etheridge. I need to giver her a sample of something.”

• James Ingram for “I Don’t Have the Heart”
  James Ingram has a great voice, but this song is eye-rolling material. It’s about this guy who is in a relationship with a woman who is in love with him, but he isn’t in love with her. Yet, he doesn’t want to break her heart. He doesn’t have the heart to love her, but he doesn’t have the heart to hurt her. He needs to go to a Codependents Anonymous meeting. Hey, it’s 1991 and being in a 12-step program is the latest craze. You might even see Pariah Carey at the meeting.

• Billy Joel for Storm Front
  Now wait a minute. All the other guys in this category are nominated for their vocal performances on singles. Oh, but Mr. I’m-So-Special Billy Joel is nominated in this category for the entire album. How does that happen? Can’t “We Didn’t Start the Fire” or “I Go to Extremes” stand alone as a single vocal performance? This must really blow for the folks who have to vote in this category. Not only do they have to listen to Michael Boredom butcher “Georgia on My Mind.” And not only do they have to listen to multimillionaire Phil Collins shame the middle-class into helping the homeless. They also have to sit through an entire Billy Joel album as if they have nothing else to do all day. But I’m sure his attitude is, “I’m Billy Joel. I’m the piano man. I’m special. I write such great songs with profound lyrics such as, ‘And the microphone smells like a beer.'”

• The late Roy Orbison for “(Oh) Pretty Woman”
  Once again, I have to ask, “How does this happen?” After all, “Oh Pretty Woman” was released in 1964, and back then, there weren’t even any parentheses around “Oh.” Why the parentheses (all of a sudden)? Secondly, Roy Orbison died in 1988. Don’t you remember that Traveling Wilburys video? You know, when it came time for the late Roy Orbison’s solo, the train went into a dark tunnel and the camera focused on an empty rocking chair next to a table with the late Roy Orbison’s picture on it? How can he be nominated for a 1991 Grammy considering the fact that he died in 1998? Well, prior to the not-yet-late Roy Orbison’s death, Cinemax broadcast a television special called Roy Orbison and Friends: A Black and White Night. The entire live concert was filmed in black and white. I’d like to know how they came up with the title. They also released an album of music from the special. So, the late Roy Orbison is nominated for a live recording of “(Oh) Pretty Woman” from the Black and White Night album. Is that fair? Let’s say that I wrote and recorded a song that earned me two Grammies…one for Best Pop Vocal Performance by a Male and the other for Song of the Year. If I recorded and released a new live version of that same song every year, could I earn the same awards every year for the same songs? One year, I would put parentheses around the first word of the title. The next year, I’d put parentheses around the last word of the title. The year after that, I’d put parentheses around the entire title of the song. Life would be awfully sweet if I could win Grammies every year for the same song. 

• Rod Stewart for “Downtown Train”
  Don’t ask me why there are six nominations in this category and only five nominations in all the other categories. I can’t tell you much about this song because every time it comes on the radio, I change stations.

Who will win? If Phil Collins doesn’t win, the academy will be dissing homeless people. If the late Roy Orbision doesn’t win, they’ll be dissing a dead man. Generally speaking, entertainment awards are more likely to go to people who have titles before their names…titles like “Sir” or “Dame” or “The Late.” And when dead people win awards, the audience gives them standing ovations for some reason. So, my pick for Best Pop Vocal Performance by a Male goes to…

Countdown to the 1991 Grammy Awards, Part 3: Nominees for Album of the Year

Sunday, February 17, 1991

I’ve been getting so many letters from readers who say, “Lorenzo, you are amazing! I love the series you’re doing, reviewing the nominees for various categories in the 33rd Grammy Awards, which will take place February 20 at Radio City Music Hall and will be broadcast live on NBC, but when are you going to get to the nominees for Best Spoken Word Recording?” And everywhere I go, people ask me the same question. Why is it that the Grammy for Best Spoken Word Recording is the category that gets all the attention? It’s not fair.

Sorry to let you down, but today, the spotlight is on Album of the Year, an award that goes to the artist and the producer.  The nominees are:

• Back on the Block
  Artist: Quincy Jones (?)
  Producer: Quincy Jones
  Quincy Jones has done this before. He records albums using various singers on various tracks. He doesn’t sing any of the songs himself. He doesn’t play any of the instruments. Yet the albums still bear his name. I wonder what would happen if I tried that. A lot of legendary pop, jazz, and R & B singers are on this album. I wonder how Ella Fitzgerald reacted when Quincy told her to check her ego at the door.
  
  
• …But Seriously
  Artist: Phil Collins
  Producers: Phil Collins and Hugh Padgham
  Now, it’s important to include the three dots every time you write out the name of this album, …But Seriously. So, I suppose that means you’re supposed to pause briefly before you say the name. Yeah, if you have a conversation with someone and you mention that you purchased this album, you need to say it like, “I bought Phil Collins’ most recent album” (pause) “…But Seriously.” So, if the presenters of this award open the envelope and pauses before they announce the winner, you’ll know that the winner is (pause) …But Seriously.

• Mariah Carey
  Artist: Pariah Carey
  Producers: Mariah Carey, Rhett Lawrence, Ric Wake, Narada Michael Walden, Ben Margulies, and Walter Afanasieff
  Do you like the way I called Mariah Carey “Pariah Carey”? It was clever of me, wasn’t it? In a year or so, lots of people will be calling her Pariah Carey. Just remember you heard me say it first. Oh yeah, she seems so innocent now. I always think it’s a bad idea for recording artists to name their debut albums after themselves. It’s very confusing. From now on, every time she hears someone call her name, she’s going to have to turn around and ask, “Are you talking to me or are you talking about my debut album?” My favorite song on the album is “Love Takes Time,” but I don’t like the part where she acknowledges that the former lover she is singing about says he doesn’t miss her and doesn’t need her, but in spite of that, she tells him he does miss her and does need her. This is 1991 and you’re not supposed to invalidate other people’s feelings like that. She needs to go to Codependents Anonymous. I still think Mariah Carey should make a movie. You can tell when someone has a natural acting ability.
  
  
• Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em
  Artist: MC Hammer
  Producers: Felton Pilate and James Earley
  The mere fact that the Grammy voters nominated a rap album for Album of the Year disproves the claims that the Grammy establishment is too conservative, narrow-minded, uncool, and behind the times. But you know how I feel about this whole MC Hammer vs Vanilla Ice thing and you know how loyal I am to the Ice Man. Yeah, Vanilla Ice is from the streets but MC Hammer needs to pray just to make it today. …But seriously, it should be Vanilla Ice, not MC Hammer, who is up for Album of the Year. Ice will be forever known as the best white rapper.
  
  
• Wilson Phillips
  Artist: Wilson Phillips
  Producer: Glen Ballard
  Again, with the self-titled debut albums. But I can’t hide how partial I am to Wilson Phillips. They’ve made me forget all about Bananarama and that’s saying a lot!

So, my pick for Album of the Year goes to…

Countdown to the 1991 Grammy Awards, Part 2: Nominees for Best Rock Vocal Performance – Female

Saturday, February 16, 1991

With only four days away from the 33rd Grammy Awards, we continue with our look at the nominees in some of the major categories. Tonight, we turn our attention to the nominees for Best Rock Vocal Performance by a Female.

This is often one of those awards that’s handed out in the pre-televised portion of the ceremony. There simply isn’t enough air time to hand out all the awards on live television. You see, they have so many categories at the Grammy Awards that half the audience goes home with a statue. My fiancée has four Grammies and she’s not even in the music business. I don’t like my fiancée.

Anywaze…the nominees for Best Rock Vocal Performance by a Female are:

• Melissa Etheridge for “The Angels”
  Okay, has anybody ever heard this song? There is always at least one song in this category that nobody has ever heard. No, wait a minute. I think Amy Grant recorded this song once. Maybe Melissa Etheridge should record an Amy Grant tribute album. My roommate, Tim, has the hots for Melissa Etheridge and wants to be her date for the Grammies. Why not? She’s single. She doesn’t even have a boyfriend.

• Janet Jackson for “Black Cat”
  This proves Janet Jackson can rock just as great as she can belt out the rhythm ‘n’ blues. No one can deny what an awesome performer she is. They should have had Janet Jackson perform at the Super Bowl last month instead of New Kids on the Block. That way, Peter Jennings wouldn’t have preempted it. Oh well, maybe some day Janet Jackson will get her shot at Super Bowl halftime stardom.

• Alannah Myles for “Black Velvet”
  Has anyone seen Janet Jackson’s black cat? Oh, there it is…hiding in Alannah Myles’ black velvet. For the longest time, I thought this song was recorded by a group named A Lot of Miles. Doesn’t she say something about Kenny Rogers in this song? Yeah, she says that somebody is jamming to Kenny Rogers and it’s turned up real loud. Is there any other way to listen to Kenny Rogers but loud?

• Stevie Nicks for “Whole Lotta Trouble”
  Now “Rooms on Fire” was the hit from the album, The Other Side of the Mirror, but for some reason, “Whole Lotta Trouble” is the song that got nominated. How does that happen? This is the first album that Stevie has recorded since rehab. I hope she stays off the cocaine. You know what she needs? Klonopin.

• Tina Turner for “Steamy Windows”
  Now at her age, if Tina Turner has steamy windows, it’s only because she’s having hot flashes. That’s all I have to say.

Who do you think should win? Here’s my pick.

Countdown to the 1991 Grammy Awards, Part 1: Song of the Year Nominees

Friday, February 15, 1991

The 33rd Grammy Awards will be televised on NBC, live from Radio City Music Hall on February 20. In the days leading up to the Grammies, I will feature blog entries about the nominees in several of the major categories, as well my my opinions and predictions.

Let’s start with Song of the Year, an award that goes to the songwriter. Yeah, that’s right. The singer who recorded the song don’t get squat…unless the singer wrote or co-wrote the song. The nominees are:

• The anthemic “Another Day in Paradise” (recorded by Phil Collins)
  Phil Collins, songwriter
  I love this song because it’s so nice when multimillionaires write and record songs about poverty and homelessness. You could say this song is Phil Collins’ solo version of “Do They Know It’s Christmas.” He sings about a homeless woman who has no soles on her shoes and you can tell she’s been crying. She says, “Sir, can you help me?” but the man in the silk suit hurries by and as he catches the pool old lady’s eye, just for fun he says, “Get a job.” As the song continues, Collins asks if there’s anything anyone can do. Hmm…I see two options: a) He can encourage his fans to donate money to help the homeless or b) Collins can give most of his money to the homeless and keep a million dollars for himself. By the way, he might want to give some of that money to the other guys in Genesis, who are probably homeless by now.

• The anthemic “From a Distance” (recorded by Bette Midler)
  Julie Gold, songwriter
  Did you know that from a distance the world looks blue and green, and the snowcapped mountains white? It’s this kind of insight that earns a songwriter a Grammy nomination. And yes, “snowcapped” is one word, so go take a hike, grammar police. Before you make fun of my blog, remember one thing: God is watching us from a distance.

• The anthemic, preachy, and advice-giving song “Hold On” (recorded by Wilson Phillips)
  Chynna Phillips, Glen Ballard, and Carnie Wilson; songwriters
  I always listen to this song when I’m having a bad day. For some reason, it makes me feel that things will go my way if I hold on for one more day. You can find pearls of wisdom throughout these Grammy-worthy lyrics. I’ve printed lines of this song on index cards and posted them in my cubicle at work and taped them up in various parts of the house. I read them when I feel I need the inspiration.
  “No one can change your life except for you.”
  “Don’t ever let anyone step all over you.”
  “Open your heart and your mind.”
  “You can sustain.”
  “Let your worries pass you by.”
  And when I need to give myself some tough love, I read the lines, “You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness / You got yourself into your own mess.” This song also asks some provocative questions that really make you think, such as, “Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?”  and “Are you comfortable with the pain?” But nothing makes me wrack my brain more than the musical question, “Is it really fair to feel this way inside?”  If you haven’t figured it out by now, this is my pick for Song of the Year. 

• “Nothing Compares 2 U” (recorded by Sinéad O’Connor)
  Prince, songwriter
  I call it “The Fancy Restaurant Song.” I don’t know why “Nothing Compares 2 U” wasn’t nominated for Song of the Year when Prince recorded it. Maybe it wasn’t a good song then, but maybe it’s a good song now. I can relate to this song because the last time I went to the doctor, he told me that I better try to have fun no matter what I do. 

• “Vision of Love” (recorded by Mariah Carey)
  Mariah Carey and Ben Marguiles, songwriters
  I don’t know if this is a good song or not because every time it comes on the radio, I change stations.
  
  

What song do you think will win Song of the Year? You already know my choice!

I Can’t Believe They Cancelled Ferris Bueller

Friday, February 8, 1991

Don’t you have it when they take a great movie and then turn it into a sucky television series? So many times, the series is terrible and it gets cancelled before anyone knows it was ever on the air.

So imagine how I dreaded the idea of NBC turning Ferris Bueller’s Day Off into a series. As it turned out, I had nothing to worry about. The television series, Ferris Bueller, did the movie justice. Never mind that fact that Ferris and his family lived in Chicago in the movie, but lived in Los Angeles in the series. Maybe the family relocated. I think there’s some law that says networks must place the settings of most of their series in Los Angeles. Oh, and Ferris’ parents obviously chose to change their first names sometime after the movie and before the debut of the television series. Hey, parents legally change their first names all the time. But I still can’t figure out how his sister, who was younger than Ferris in the movie, is now older than Ferris. Maybe his sister was murdered and his parents adopted another teenage girl soon thereafter who happened to be a year older than Ferris and, coincidently enough, have the same first name as his deceased sister. That wouldn’t be out of the ordinary.

Well, they cancelled Ferris Bueller in December, after only 12 episodes, but I’m just now finding out. I don’t know why the show’s cancellation didn’t get much press coverage. I found out when I turned on the TV Sunday and found that some stupid show named Blossom had taken over Ferris Bueller’s time slot. I think Blossom will get cancelled even sooner than Ferris Bueller. I’m sure we can get Ferris Bueller back on the air if enough of us write in to NBC and complain! Let’s do that!

There’s No Stopping Wilson Phillips

Monday, February 4, 1991

Tomorrow night, Wilson Phillips will perform on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.  I don’t know how Carson does it, but he gets NBC to agree with all his demands.  He doesn’t even do his show on Mondays anymore. So tonight, just like all other Mondays, they’re giving us another rerun that they call “The Best of Carson.” Why don’t they just call every rerun of Gilligan’s Island “The Best of Gilligan’s Island“…or better yet, “The Best of Bob Denver”?

I would love to see Carson interview Wilson Phillips, but Jay Leno will be Carson’s guest host this week. (Yawn.) But of course, most people will tune in to watch Leno’s other guest, Marilu Henner, who always has something provocative to say. Not!

I’m sure that Wilson Phillips will be performing their new hit single, “You’re in Love,” which is getting massive amounts of airplay.  It’s the fourth single from their debut album and it’s moving up the charts faster than Al Unser, Jr.

Until I did my research before posting this blog, I thought that Wilson Phillips was a solo artist. Yeah, I thought Chynna Phillips’ first name was Wilson and the other two girls were her backup singers. Wow, I’m glad I didn’t make that mistake in a blog post. That would have been embarrassing. As it turns out, Chynna’s father is in Peter, Paul & Mary.  The other two girls, Wendy and Carnie Wilson, as everyone knows, are the daughters of Grace Slick.

Wilson Phillips is unstoppable. (Or is that “are unstoppable”?) Their self-titled debut album is nominated for a Grammy for Album of the Year, an honor I’m sure they will continue to earn in the years to come…unless…they win in the category of Best New Artist. You probably know that the the Grammy for Best New Artist is a curse…a kiss of career death…to the one who receives it.  This year, the nominees for Best New Artist are The Black Crowes, The Kentucky Headhunders, Lisa Stansfield, Wilson Phillips, and Mariah Carey. So, pick the one you dislike the most and hope she or they win the Grammy for Best New Artist. You know, I think Mariah Carey should make a movie.

George H.W. Bush Will Win Reelection in a Landslide

Thursday, January 31, 1991

My fiancée’s brother came over today to collect the money I owed him from the bet I lost to him. I predicted that the Buffalo Bills would defeat the New York Giants by a field goal in Super Bowl XXV. I don’t like my fiancée, but I really like her brother.

But I want to write about something more important than that. An article that appears in today’s Washington Post is reporting that Republican lawmakers are praising Pres. George H.W. Bush’s State of the Union address “for its emphasis on events in the Persian Gulf.” Still, a lot of Republicans still have their doubts about Bush because he went along with the Democrats last year and agreed to raise taxes in spite of his famous “read my lips” comment at the 1988 Republican Convention.

No conservative likes a tax hike, but they’re overreacting if they fear this will hurt him in November 1992. With just a year and nine months to go, it’s not too early to predict that Bush will easily win a second term.  Can the Democrats even find anyone who could come close to beating Bush? Seriously, who are they going to pick, the governor of Arkansas? I don’t think so.

Operation Desert Storm is going so well and this makes Bush look very heroic. He’ll even look more heroic when our troops march into Baghdad and overthrow Sodomy Hussein. I hear that Iraqi troops are either running from our troops or surrendering at the sight of them. I have a great idea for a bumper sticker. On it will be an American flag and the words, “These colors don’t run.” Remember, if anyone steals this idea, you read about it here first.

On top of this, the economy is improving. The Associated Press is reporting that the “chief economic forecasting gauge inched up 0.1 percent in December, its first gain in six months.” The Washington Post is reporting that “optimism over the progress of war in the Persian Gulf and hopes that the recession will end soon catapulted blue-chip stocks” and that “the Dow Jones industrial average closed up 50.50 points, or 1.9 percent, to 2713.12, its highest level since Aug. 15.” So, get ready for a second Bush term.

But Bush needs to take action to decrease unemployment. He’s busy now, but early next year, maybe he and some American business executives could go over to Japan and try to sell them on American imports. Now that’s a trip that would go over extremely well.

MC Hammer vs Vanilla Ice

Friday, January 25, 1991

Who do you think the best rapper is, MC Hammer or Vanilla Ice?  It’s hard to say, but a closer look at the statistics might help us draw some conclusions.

In the current issue of Billboard, Vanilla Ice’s To the Extreme is holding down the #1 position on the album chart, thanks to the former #1 smash hit “Ice Ice Baby” and it’s follow up, “Play that Funky Music,” which is currently #7 on the Billboard Hot 100.  So much for those who said Vanilla Ice was going to be a one-hit wonder.  Hell, this guy is just getting started.  We are going to see a lot more from Vanilla Ice.  Trust me on this.

MC Hammer’s album, Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em, is loaded with hit singles.  It stayed at #1 for 21 weeks, has been on the charts for almost a year, and is still #4 on the Billboard album charts.

Oh, but stats can’t tell us the entire story.

I think that MC Hammer’s squeaky-clean image may appeal to small kids, but as they get older, they’ll want something a little raunchy.  That’s when they’ll turn to Vanilla Ice, who is from the streets.  Yeah, the Ice man is definitely edgier than Hammer.  And everyone knows we’ll never see another white rap artist who will ever equal the success of Vanilla Ice.

But, Hammer and Ice’s biggest rivals may not be each other, and their greatest competition may not even be rap artists.  With Will to Power at #9 and climbing with the remake of the 10cc hit, “I’m Not in Love” and Nelson at #8 with “After the Rain,” MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice need to keep looking over their shoulders.